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No. 5000: We Didn't Write The Garfield

First | Previous | 2023-01-26 | Next | Latest

We Didn't Write The Garfield

First | Previous | 2023-01-26 | Next | Latest

Permanent URL: https://mezzacotta.net/garfield/?comic=5000

Strip by: TPTPWDotACoEMW, TwinBuilder

Garfield: For those of you who came in late, here's what you missed
{A band consisting entirely of Garfields, one with a guitar, one with a piano, and one with a tuba - or maybe a sousaphone? - begins playing music. It is here that the lyrics, and the SRoMG comics, begin}

(To the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire")

Haiku writing, pair of clones
Garfield 1: Have we dynamite?
Garfield 3: We can't get our minds off that ham in the fridge

Mandelbrot and Garfield Code
{Jon is buried by an incoming fractal}
Jon {looking like a clown}: Wbmxuw zwsqibbv xfuxyzdco sguai ey, Apvkltpi?
Garfield: Buvfo?

Polar transform, Calvin transformed
Jon: Then you tickle me!
Garfield: We are the bored
Jon: I'll stuff my mouth full of bananas...
Jon: I know, Garfield!
Hobbes: Words fail me.
Calvin {as Garfield}: I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind transmogrification is a new technology.

NES Sprites
Jon: What happened?
Caption: Between-levels screen floor sample - floor overlap is the same

Panel beats and godly ire
Jon: And, nice suit
Garfield: It's Italian
{A lightning bolt is hurled at Garfield}

Odie makes a lovely fire
Jon: Garfield, you make a lovely fire
Garfield: I do make a lovely fire
Jon: Well, I gotta go get ready for my date. You enjoy your lovely fire
Garfield: I'll enjoy my lovely fire
Jon: Hey! Why is Odie's bowl covered in blood?
Garfield: He makes a lovely fire

Shortened Sundays, stretched-out Sundays
Garfield {on fence, to Arlene}: Jon thinks you're my girlfriend
Arlene: Am I?
{Garfield goes inside, where Jon is drinking coffee}
Garfield: See what you started?! {angrily smacks Jon across the face}
TV 1: Holy bovines, corporal! There's a giant monster invading the city!
TV 2: It's just a bad actor in a rubber suit
TV 1: Egad! A zipper monster! That's the worst kind!
TV 2: And that's not a real city.
Garfield: General Cordwood seems to have buried himself in the part.
TV 2: See?
{Next set of panels...}
SFX: flip {Jon flips a Kitty Treat through the air to Garfield}
SFX: BWOINK DOINK {Garfield bounces the treat about before dropping it into his mouth - as he does, he reaches for the treat box, which it can be assumed Jon does not want him to have}
SFX: clap {Jon gives a half-clap as Garfield leaves, taking the entire box of treats with him}
{Next set of panels...}
Garfield {typing on computer}: Dear Jon, Life here with you has become unbearable, so I am running away to join the French Foreign Legion. Goodbye.
SFX: tic tic tic {typing}
SFX: print print print print {Garfield prints the letter he just typed}
Jon: GARFIELD! {Jon is angry at seeing the letter in the goldfish bowl, which has no fish in it. On the table there is a splash of water, an open jar of tartar sauce, and half a lemon}
{Next set of panels...}
{Jon walks into frame}
Jon: Excuse me just a moment
{Jon leaves the panel}
Jon {off-panel}: HYAAAGH!
Garfield: He prefers to do the "stubbed toe dance" in private
Jon {off-panel still}: YEEE! YAHHHH! EEEESH!

Who turned out the lights?
{Garfield is in space}
Garfield: It's nice to be back in the country with space to roam
Garfield: Space to breathe. Space to be me
Garfield: Space to be bored!

{In the actual song, a brief musical interlude would go here. This is not illustrated in the comic, for the sake of not using more space than necessary, so you will just have to imagine it}

Chat rooms, hair cuts
{A chat room, titled "ChatMouth", is shown}
<Stephan0 has entered the chat room>
[Stephan0]: My name is Stephano. I am very rich and macho
[Stephan0]: Anyone want to chat?
<hawtgal has left the chat room>
<not-so-hawtgal has left the chat room>
<plainlookin'gal has left the chat room>
<unattractivegal has left the chat room>
<flat-outuglygal has left the chat room>
<DimJavis has left the chat room>
<cAPSLOCK has left the chat room>
<SumUtherGuy has left the chat room>
<mezzacotta has left the chat room>
<DMMaus has left the chat room>
<Redhead64 has left the chat room>
<BoB has left the chat room>
<1337|-|@><0r has left the chat room>
<OverlyLongGag has left the chat room>
<fla@mynFaery has left the chat room>
<YoMomma has left the chat room>
{half-obscured} <HalfHidden has left the chat room>
{Jon is glaring at Garfield. Notably, his hair appears to be missing, along with a significant part of his head}
Jon: So much for home barbering
Garfield {holding a pencil}: I thought I did a pretty good job

Broken holds, blood and guts
{The panel on the left is bisected at about one third from the bottom, which is then placed on top of the top. This is a simulation of an animated comic, which cannot be portrayed in its full form here. It is meant to imply a broken vertical hold, like on an old television}
Jon: Besides, the TV is broken
Garfield: Surf's up!
{In the panel on the left, Jon's legs have been cut off and they are bleeding}
Jon: MEDIC!!!
Garfield {oblivious}: Very funny, Jon

Politics and color swaps
{In the panel on the left, Garfield, who is labeled "Consumerism," kicks Odie, labeled "Future," off a table. The opinions expressed in this panel do not necessarily match the opinions of the site admins, the strip's two writers, or the original maker of the panel, et cetera}
{In the panel on the right, Jon has been recolored to be a dark-skinned man with black hair, as opposed to a light-skinned man with brown hair as he usually is. Garfield, meanwhile, has been recolored to be gray with a white belly, paws, and tail tip}
Jon: Which seems to have done some good!
Garfield: I maimed three squirrels

Fridges in the larger shops
{Garfield is staring at a fridge}
Garfield: I don't know, Jon
Garfield: As refrigerators go, I guess it's okay
{The panel zooms out to reveal that the fridge is at least eighteen feet tall}
Garfield: But, don't they have anything bigger?

Beatles sleeping like a log
{The panels shown are captioned with text like lyrics. This is because they are lyrics, but they're for a different song. So they're not listed like the actual lyrics in this transcript. To avoid confusion}
Lyrics: It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog.
{Panel shows Odie panting}
Lyrics: It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log.
{Panel shows Garfield sleeping}
Lyrics: But when I get home to you, I find the things that you do, will make me feel all right.
{Panel shows Garfield hugging Pooky}

There is no time for the dog
Jon: Garfield, we are in deep trouble!
Garfield: Why? You run out of new ties?
Jon: Worse than that! We're running out of jokes!
Garfield: WHAT!?
Jon: We've been going on like this for so long, we have used up every possible sardonic cat/dumb dog/dumb owner joke. We've got a few more in the vault, but then we're out!
Garfield: ...This is serious.
Jon: We have to leave now, before Jim Davis appears for his fee. Fire up the escape pod. No time for the dog! We leave now!
Garfield: But where to?
Jon: Isn't it obvious? We need somewhere that will appreciate our particular brand of repeated identical gags and two-dimensional characters!
Garfield: Of course! To "Friends!"

Civil war, pagan lore
{Jon is shown in a scene of Captain America: Civil War, running into combat wearing a snazzy tacky suit}
Jon: "First, Garfield eats Jon's soul?"
Garfield {with strange look on his face}: Wait 'til you read about the goat sacrifice

Sayonara dark side!
Jon: I'm so happy!
Jon: I have a girlfriend, a faithful cat, and a...
Jon: Now I'm depressed
Garfield: He made a lovely fire

We didn't write the Garfield
It was just a slate on which we could create
We didn't write the Garfield
But don't blame Jim Davis for our weird creations
Jim Davis {at cartoonist's desk}: I hate to brag, but it took a brilliant mind to figure that gag out

Killing Liz and Crazy Frog
Jon: Have you seen my new girlfriend?
Garfield {implied to have just killed Liz}: Define "new"
Jon's Phone: A ding ding ding ding d-d-ding ding ding tch booom bom bom bom baadem bomb boom boom baa-

Eating birds, guac agog
Garfield: Went to the south pole once and ate a penguin
Nermal: Wow!
Jon: You stepped in my guacamole!
Garfield: Needs more onion and cilantro
{Brief note, I can't agree with Garfield here since I think cilantro tastes like soap. But I don't like guacamole anyways, so it's not really my place to correct here}

Manticore, such a bore
Squeak {or maybe just a regular mouse} {holding a red flag}: I declare this house property of the Empire of Manticore!
Jon {in the other panel}: What a boring day
{Jon is, in this case, entirely oblivious to the advancing Garfield, who is holding either a tuba or a sousaphone. Which one? No clue, but he's clearly about to blow Jon's eardrums, so does it really matter?}

"What a nightmare!"
Garfield: ZZZZZ... Whoa!! What a nightmare!!!
Alarm clock: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

In a bowl, by the waves
{Garfield is, for some reason, a goldfish}
Jon: ?
Woman on beach {in other panel}: How about a date?
Garfield: Such unrealistic writing

Spot the difference, snail remains
Jon: Where's Odie?
Garfield: I'm standing on him
Jon {new panel}: Where's Odie?
Garfield {also in that panel}: I'm standing on him
Snail {in another different panel}: You take that back

All the pudding pops are gone
Garfield: I think I'll have a pudding pop
{Garfield stares in the fridge...}
Garfield: There are none

Garfield's endless stare
{Garfield is plugged through a few photoshop filters. Due to space restrictions, we opted not to show you all of them from the original comic - but don't worry, the "one in the top-right" is still there}

"Thought? You?," suicide
Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you.
Garfield: Thought? You? Ha!
{In the next panel, Garfield's lower half is shown to be suspended in the air. There is no indication of what is suspending him, but it is implied he is hanging from a noose}
Jon: Stopped kicking, I see.

Everybody's Zs collide
Garfield: Z
Odie: Z
Jon: Come on! It's not that boring!
Internet: Z
Garfield: Z
Odie: Z
Jim Davis's signature: Z
The last panel: Z

Gatsby fusion, lost a hand
Sheep: I believe that on the first night I went to Gatsby's house I was one of the few guests who had actually been invited.
Zack Ryder {who is much larger than the sheep}: Woo woo woo!
Sheep: My! A German spy!
{In the next panel, Jon walks in frame with a missing hand as Garfield faints}
Jon: Hey, Garfield, I lost a hand... Garfield?

Pizza waiting, Lyman land
{Jon and Garfield are waiting for a pizza. Garfield's skin sags until he finally turns into a skeleton}
Jon: Pizza's here! {But it's too late. Garfield is now a skeleton}
{In the next panel, we see a lush field filled with about eight Lymans and one Odie}
Sign: Lyman rieserv

Wide-screen, five remotes
Jon {gesturing to what appears to be a simple TV}: Here it is, Garfield!
Jon: Our new Mega-Home Entertainment Theatre
Jon: We have digital, high-definition, wide-screen, CD, VHS, DVD, CD-ROM, surround sound...
Jon: ...And then there's the best part...
Jon: Five, count 'em, FIVE remotes!
Garfield: We can share!

Taste test, all he wrote
{Jon is blindfolded}
Jon: I hate you
Garfield: Who's that!?
{Garfield is blindfolded}
Jon: I hate you
Garfield: Thank you for your opinion, sir!
{Jon is gone. Garfield is alone. But neither of them is blindfolded, so that's good, right?}
Garfield: Sigh... I have no friends

Minuet, Skynet
{A picture is shown of two people wearing approximately Victorian-era clothes}
Jon: You met a ballet dancer and went to a sack race?
Garfield: Close enough
{Jon and Garfield are approached by the Terminator. I think. I've never seen the movies}
Terminator(?): Come with me if you want to live.
Terminator(?): Go! Run!
{Jon and Garfield run}

Guillotine of Odie's!
Garfield: Odie will now reveal the secret to happiness
{Odie gestures to the rope he is holding, which is attached to a primed Guillotine}
Garfield: You may prefer to remain unhappy

We didn't write the Garfield
It was just a slate on which we could create
We didn't write the Garfield
But don't blame Jim Davis for our weird creations
Jim Davis's signature: Do you know how much I saved on this strip?
Nobody?: Too much

Grawlixes, not all there,
{In the first panel, Jon spouts a rapid series of grawlixes}
Jon {in panel 2}: The sun is inside, Garfield!

Lazy-town, solar flare
Jon: Lazy edits
{In the next panel, Jon's face is destroyed by a ray of pure plasma from Garfield's mouth. The sun is inside of him.}

Ref'rencing XKCD
Garfield: The world is constantly changing
Garfield {okay, brief tangent, this comic shows what appears to be Garfield's face disassociating, but the original XKCD comic seems to portray this as a panel split at an angle, and that gets lost here? Well, anyway, that's not what I'm here to talk about, back to the transcript}: They stopped making frozen pudding pops

Enter 2053!
Garfield: Milk...
Garfield: Some people read expiration dates
Garfield: And some don't

Color average, blindside
{A blurry set of three panels that looks like a Garfield comic}
{Garfield is sucked up into a window blind}
SFX: Fwip fwip fwip
Garfield: So I'm stick in a window blind, big deal
Garfield: The pain and humiliation I can handle

Sudo file, Facebook like
Console/caption?: garfield is not in the sudoers file. This incident will be reported
Jon {seemingly horrified?}: You liked yourself on Facebook?
Garfield: I'm a big fan!

Farmer's market sign rewrite
{Garfield enters a farmers' market}
{Garfield takes a marker and crosses out "farmers" on the farmers' market sign, leaving it to only say "market"}
Garfield: That's all that's left

Triplicate "you got that right"
{The same panel is shown three times with different colorations. In the original comic, these three comics were each reduced to one color channel and stacked on top of each other to produce a combination of the three. I instead chose to display the three comics individually}
Jon {in all three panels}: So much for humility
Garfield {also in all three panels}: You got that right

{Right here, if this were the original song, there would be a brief (but sick) guitar solo. I could not incorporate that into the comic, so you'll have to imagine it again}

Meta-meta, french wax
Meta-comic: Boy, some people sure love talking about Garfield comics.
{Garfield dances on the flag of France. Unbeknownst to him, the flag has just been waxed. His dancing causes him to fall off}
Garfield: Okay... who waxed the French?

Self-retcon, gotta dance
{Garfield is holding a calendar}
Garfield: Maybe if I change the year, I'll get younger on my birthday
{Garfield ceases to exist}
{In the next panel, Jon and Garfield are dancing}
Jon: Gotta dance!

Crooked panels, quick throw
{The first two panels are oriented so that the painting is always level with the X axis. This causes the panels to be crooked}
Jon: Does that look crooked, Garfield?
Garfield: No
{Garfield significantly adjusts the painting, causing the panel to become more crooked}
Garfield: Now it does
{Garfield is thrown through a closed window, for reasons unrelated to the previous two panels}

Fourth-dimension tableaux
{Two comics intersect in three-dimensional space. One of the comics kills the other, causing the panels within to turn into gravestones}
Garfield 1: (obscured)alked into (obscured) reason...
Garfield 1: Because I wrote it down!
Garfield 1: And that's how you outsmart old age!
Garfield 2: I must kill something!
{The space between this panel and the next is where the two comics intersect and the other one dies}
Garfield 2: (obscured)w! I feel (obscured)ch better
Jon: Have they stopped making frozen pudding pops?
Garfield: Define "stopped"

It's you, physics lore
{Jon is looking at a demotivational poster}
Poster: The most important factor in all your failures is YOU
{Garfield is watching TV}
TV: Quantum physics cannot explain undead cats

Morpheus and Jon of yore
{Jon, as Morpheus from The Matrix, is trying to get Garfield, as Neo Anderson (also from The Matrix), to take a red pill. Garfield (as Anderson) is not having it}
Jon {as Morpheus}: ANDERSON! Come back here and take your vitamin pill!
{In the next set of panels, we see the original Jon, the comic from which Garfield was made}
Jon: This is it Garfield. The late-late movie with Brigitte Bardot
Jon: Got our soda pop. Got our popcorn. We're set.
Garfield: ZZZZ

E.T. Christmas, abstract
{A copy of E.T. for the Atari fall out of a present Garfield is holding}
{In the next set of panels, many Garfields are present in every panel}
Jon: Here, turkey, turkey, turkey...
Jon (in the same panel): Heeere, turkey, turkey, {sic}
Jon: What is this suppo(sed to be?)
Pop-up: Smart Compose
Pop-up: Gmail gives you writing suggestions as you type. You can turn them off in Settings.
Jon: Click here to add text.
{One of the Garfields takes off his head. The interior is hollow, like a suit, but nobody is inside}

Choose the class of your cat!
{Six options of class are shown}
Fighter {Garfield is shown in a cartoon-style ball of dust indicating a fight. No other person or animal is in frame}
Paladin {Garfield is riding on Odie like a horse}
Specialist {Garfield is holding a wrench}
Mage {Garfield is shown with a saw and a table, apparently about to perform a "saw-a-person-in-half" trick}
Warrior {Garfield is wearing a suit of armor}
SFX: Bink
Assassin {Garfield is shown swatting three spiders at once}
SFX: Clap

We didn't write the Garfield
It was just a slate on which we could create
We didn't write the Garfield
But don't blame Jim Davis for our weird creations
Jim Davis: Garfield, this is your boss, Mr. Davis. You know that seriousness is a violation of your contract with us.

Plugging ears, making toast
Garfield: The earplugs aren't working because of budget cuts
Garfield {next set of panels}: But the important thing is I couldn't think of anything better to do
Arlene: And you're toast!
{Garfield has been turned into a smoking piece of toast with butter}

Breaking rules and saving most
{Garfield is shown walking on grass next to a "Keep off the grass" sign. He smiles at the reader}
{Garfield is then shown next to an invisible dog}
Sign: Beware of
Dog?: Do you know how much I saved on that sign?
Garfield: Not enough

Calculus and ratings week
Jon: ∫(3x2 + 3)dx = x3 + 3x
Garfield: + C
{In the next set of panels, Garfield is watching TV}
Garfield: It must be ratings week

Smiling like a crazy freak
Jon: Here's your dinner, Garfield
Garfield: How about service with a smile?
{Jon gives Garfield a crazy, buck-toothed, bug-eyed grin}
Garfield: I hope this food is safe to eat

The wrong dummy gets attacked
Jon: You're an attack cat. Kill the dummy. Kill the dummy
Jon: KILL!
{We are then shown a gravestone}
Gravestone: JON ARBUCKLE R.I.P
Gravestone: Wrong dummy

Making up what Garfield lacked
Jon: Pets are supposed to amuse, Garfield
Garfield: That's an ugly rumor
Jon: You do not amuse
Jon: You'd better start
Garfield: You want amusement? You've got a monkey
{There is a monkey}

Drunken date and sonic speed
{Jon is on a date and has previously consumed multiple bottles of alcohol. Which kind? Champagne, but does it really matter? The point is he's drunk}
Jon: Ha-ah-ha! Whehee!!!
Jon: Whe-whennus-us laz'ime youhou'ad z'uch vun, Garfield? Hehe!
{Garfield is pretending Jon does not exist, while Liz is expressing shock at how Jon is still even conscious. I mean, wouldn't you?}
{Well, anyway. In the next set of panels, Jon is holding an empty cat bowl as Garfield approaches very quickly}
Jon: Garfield! Dinner is...
{Now, a fact I forgot to reveal up until now is that Garfield is a speedrunner, and so he has already seen this part of the game - er, comic - thousands of times before. He opts to shred Jon's pants to cut off his dialogue, a skip that saves precious seconds off his time}
Garfield: Not served

Coffee iced, insanity
Jon: My iced coffee is cold
Garfield: Duh, Jon
{Now, usually there's a beat panel here, but it was cut out so that the panels would fit into a nice square. You can pretend it exists, if you'd like}
Jon: And there's ice in it
{Garfield slams his head on the table, exhausted at Jon's declaration of the obvious}
Jon {in the next set of panels}: Moving to R'lyeh was a mistake!
Jon {already feeling the effects}: We'll be going insane any second now!
Garfield: Ia! Ia Cthulhu fhtagn!

Talking dog, sandwich bite
Garfield: "Dear ask a dog, do you think a dog will ever walk on mars?"
Odie: Yes, but only after they make a really long leash
{Garfield bites down on a sandwich while Mark "Markiplier" watches}
Markiplier: Was that the bite of '87?

Odie, creature of the night
{Garfield walks past Odie, who is sprouting extra hair and generally looks intimidating}
Odie: Arrrrr...
Garfield: Jon, you remember how you said that werewolf bite on Odie was "nothing to worry about?"
Odie: ROOOO!

Can't be topped, 'til they stopped
making frozen pudding pops
{You know how this goes by now - Garfield and Jon are sitting at a table, and Jon is reading a newspaper}
Jon: The world is constantly changing
{To the surprise of hopefully very few of our archive readers, Garfield inexplicably transforms into Linus, a famous character from the comic strip Peanuts.}
{He then turns back into Garfield, who is now very interested in what prompted Jon to make that statement}
Garfield: They haven't stopped making frozen pudding pops, have they?

We didn't write the Garfield
It was just a slate on which we could create
We didn't write the Garfield
But don't blame Jim Davis for our weird creations
Jim Davis: Hi, there... I'm Jim Davis. I'm a cartoonist, and this is my cat, Garfield.
Garfield: Hi, there. I'm Garfield. I'm a cat, and this is my cartoonist, Jim.
Jim Davis: Our only thought is to entertain you.
Garfield: Feed me.

{In the next set of panels, Jim and Garfield are much older. Garfield is sleeping off-panel}
Garfield: Z
Jim Davis: Awwww
Garfield: Z
{The panel pans over to Garfield, who is revealed to be wearing a party hat}
Jim Davis: He remembered my birthday
Garfield: Z

Odie's mind, lampshade hang
Purple Dog: How's it going?
Odie {note that nobody can hear Odie's thoughts}: Hmm... I don't trust this dog. He might be trying to trick us! I gotta get outta here!
Jon {in a different setting}: It's great to be back on the farm, Garfield. Nothing ever changes
Jon: Well, except the wall color, and that's just like home

Garfield Code comes back again
Garfield {in a pictographic font}: They haven't stopped making frozen pudding pops, have they?

Fail-bound, king's crown
{Garfield eyes a ham on a table}
Choice menu: Reach / Bridge / Teleporter / Stunt Mouse
{Garfield reaches for the ham, but falls, hanging on to the table and the counter he was on by a paw each}
Garfield: Garfield, you dummy.
Menu: FAIL
Menu subtitle: Who did you think you were, Kitty D. Luffy?
{In the next set of panels, Garfield is wearing a robe and crown. Like that one song about praying in the river}
Garfield: As a king, I demand respect!
{Garfield runs into Odie, who sprays him with slobber. The resulting effect is not entirely unlike what would happen if you prayed in a river in this attire}
Garfield: Make that respect and a towel

Graphics card, breakdown
{Garfield is seen exiting an Intel store}
Garfield: Graphics! I need a graphics card!
{In the next panel, Garfield is with Jon, who is eating cereal for lunch. Garfield simply cannot take it anymore}
Jon: In fact, let's have cereal for dinner tonight, too
Garfield: Will you please get married!

Calling Jon a radish man
Liz: Jon?
Jon: Yes?
Liz: Du bist ein rettich
Jon: I will never understand German
Garfield: I think she just called you a radish

Thousands in the garbage can
{A picture of Garfield holding balloons is placed in a paper shredder. According to the author's notes of the original comic, this piece was worth approximately one million pounds and auctioned off by Sotheby's of London}
{However, some diving into the history to see if anyone else was talking about this revealed that, in actuality, this is likely just a parody of the story of "Girl With Balloon" a painting sold at Sothesby's for the exact same amount, which shredded itself using a hidden mechanism in its frame shortly after purchase}
{Honestly, I shouldn't have been surprised this was a parody, but I was}

Garfield in the World of Light
Jon: Look, Garfield! A falling star!
Jon: If you make a wish on a falling star, it will come true
Jon: Did you make a wish?
{Jon is suddenly erased from reality by a pillar of light}
Garfield {grinning}: Yes

Pristine shirt that's pearly-white
Jon: Hey! Here's a clean shirt!
Jon: I don't know why I've never worn this one...
{When Jon walks in frame, he is wearing a perfect, pristine, pearly-white T-shirt. This transcript is long enough without me explaining how unlikely and peculiar this is - go check the original comic}
{Anyway, Garfield is so shocked he spits coffee all over the shirt. Guess it was too good to last}

Spittle like you're in a crowd
Jon {spitting everywhere}: ROCK AND ROLL!!!
Jon: I always wanted to yell that
Garfield {drenched}: It's over, right?

Reading this is not allowed
{A sign displaying "No Sign Reading" is shown}
{A sign displaying "No Sign Reading" is shown}
{A sign displaying - hey, why are you still reading this? Didn't you read the lyric?}

Face upon the windowsill
{Garfield is shown to be outside. Probably with no way to get in, because why else would he be outside?}
{Well, anyway, Odie walks in and places a lasagna on the windowsill, getting Garfield's attention}
{Jon then walks toward the window. Garfield has pressed his face up against the window and his eyes look very crazy. I mean, they probably would. They've been flattened against a window and they're, like, four times the size. But this definitely scares Jon}

Garfield's armed to shoot and kill
Garfield: Cats are adorable
Garfield: No?
{Garfield points a gun at you. Or maybe just past your right shoulder. It's hard to tell}

Patience running short and dry
{Garfield and Jon are buying a bag of cheese doodles at the supermarket. They're evidently very impatient}
Self-Checkout: Please swipe your card
SFX: Swipe
Self-Checkout: Would you like to donate a dollar to charity today?
SFX: Boop
Self-Checkout: Enter PIN
SFX: Boop Boop Boop Boop
Self-Checkout: Your total is $3.24. Is this correct?
{Despite this being a reasonable question, Garfield and Jon flip out}
Garfield: DON'T WE ALL?!!

This goldfish will never die
{Jon is looking over an empty goldfish bowl. It is implied that Garfield has eaten the fish}
Jon: Where have all the memories gone?
{Jon leaves, only for Garfield to remove his head, revealing the fish inside. This raises many questions, none of which I am able to answer}
Fish: Mortal fool

Vaporwave, the Donut Wars
{Garfield looks out on a vaporwave-style blue sun rising in a pink sky}
Garfield: Just look at that gorgeous sunrise!
{Meanwhile, elsewhere, Garfield approaches a donut}
Sign: Garfield's donut
{Garfield walks out of frame and Jon walks in. Notably, the donut is gone}
Sign: Jon ate Garfield's donut

And here's to five thousand more
Garfield {speaking on my behalf}: See you all at comic 10,000

We didn't write the Garfield
It was just a slate on which we could create
We didn't write the Garfield
And when we are gone, it will still go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on...

We didn't write the Garfield
It was just a slate on which we could create
{Mario's head is depicted. It walks past a shocked Jon, and opens its mouth very wide. No sound is depicted, however}

We didn't write the Garfield
But don't blame Jim Davis for our weird creations
{Garfield stares, bored, at a piece of lettuce. Hardly a salad, but Garfield does not care. He would rather not eat salad at all}
Garfield: This salad needs something
Garfield: I think I'll garnish it
Garfield: With a wah!
{Garfield slams the severed head of Waluigi on the table}

We didn't write the Garfield
It was just a slate on which we could create
{Jon is playing a violin}
Garfield: How humoresque

We didn't write the Garfield
But don't blame Jim Davis for our weird creations
{Garfield is stuck in quicksand. But don't worry, he'll only sink up to his chest}
Garfield: I'm stuck in quicksand.
Garfield: Don't worry, I'll only sink up to my chest
{Hey, I just said that... oh nevermind}

We didn't write the Garfield
It was just a slate on which we could create
{Garfield admires himself in a mirror. His reflection is not facing toward him, instead it is facing away}

We didn't write the Garfield
But don't blame Jim Davis for our weird creations
Garfield {in the darkness}: Throw out the worthless slave into the outer darkness; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth
Garfield: Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones
Garfield: Blagoonga?
Garfield: Ye shall utterly destroy all the places, wherein the nations which ye shall possess served their gods, upon the high mountains, and upon the hills, and under every green tree
Jon {horrified}: The four headed beast from my nightmares
{I think there was supposed to be an exclamation mark there, but I'm not sure}
Garfield {with what appears to be four heads}: Odie needs tuning

{This is the point in the song where the music fades out entirely, so it only makes sense to end here with one final picture. Jon and Garfield are sitting in a room with a table where everything is on fire. In the distance, a burning flag, broken window, and chair where Jon smokes his pipe are visible. In the foreground, Jon is wearing an outfit which is reminiscent of Billy Joel's outfit in the music video for "We Didn't Start The Fire". There's also a vase that's on fire. It may look familiar to some. There's a lot, basically. The spot where Jim Davis's signature usually is instead contains a signature for the whole of the SRoMG community, marking this comic as a celebration of Comic 5000. If this isn't Comic 5000, I guess that signature is technically inaccurate. Oops}
Jon: You've really changed in 5,000 strips, Garfield
Garfield {addressing the reader}: Have we dynamite?

The author writes:

Well, we've officially done it - we've reached five thousand strips of Square Root of Minus Garfield. Still not as much as, say, Schlock Mercenary, but we're getting there.

This is an idea I've had bouncing around in my head for quite some time (and even longer upon submission!) as a celebration of 5,000 comics. Such a milestone deserves a celebration of SRoMG's rich comics history, featuring memes, cute little comics, momentous comics... and just a dash of nepotism on our part. What better way to do that then with a parody of Billy Joel's own history song, "We Didn't Start The Fire"?

Probably the most difficult part was combing through the archive to find the comics most worthy of inclusion. Coming close in second in that arrangement was making sure that the comics included could rhyme. Figuring out which comics to put in was very difficult, and many that we wanted to include did not make the cut. I specifically want to mention #3141, which holds a special place in my heart but would be extremely unwieldy to include in the comic, above even a few that made the cut like #3116.

The centerpiece of this comic is, of course, the custom-drawn panel at the end. I must confess that this panel is not my work at all - it was made entirely by TwinBuilder, who based it off of the ending panel of 1988-06-19 and the music video for "We Didn't Start The Fire". Phenomenal work, in my opinion. I hope you agree.

Well, I've already talked my head off. Here's to the ten-thousand strip mark, and here's a bit more from my partner on this project, TwinBuilder:

I heard about Square Root of Minus Garfield many years ago from TV Tropes and never imagined that I'd contribute to it in my own little fashion! I consider this project a love letter to crazy niche Internet sub-communities, absurdly specific running gags, the art of comics, and going as far as you possibly can with image manipulation — all things that are near and dear to my heart.

Plus, "We Didn't Start the Fire" is a fun song to mess around with! Just a couple of notes on the panel I made: Jon's outfit is meant to match Billy Joel's in the "We Didn't Start the Fire" music video, and I included some other assorted references to Garfield lore in the background too! They're not too hard to spot. Also, Garfield is now looking at the viewer, directly implicating them in this massive celebratory extravaganza. I just thought it fit.
br>Well, that's about all I can think to say. Special thanks to TPTPWDotACoEMW for letting me contribute to this masterpiece, to Billy Joel and Neil Cicierega (you know why), to Jim Davis for creating Garfield, and to all of you who've contributed to, and read, SRoMG!

Yeah. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Original Square Root of Minus Garfield strips, in order: #1, #2, #3, #17, #26, #78, #21, #10, #27, #51, #109, #113, #110, #164, #198, #66, #136, #105, #141, #229, #63, #57, #2670, #2739, #1874, #503, #724, #1084, #932, #1332, #981, #668, #1902, #392, #247, #890, #1673, #1929, #466, #1003, #1150, #1249, #1337, #1461, #1572, #758, #371, #498, #551, #611, #625, #650, #2628, #548, #1871, #2553, #2498, #2043, #1494, #9, #340, #370, #443, #518, #465, #1219, #1750, #2014, #1760, #2244, #3014, #3116, #2980, #3407, #3105, #3170, #3507, #3546, #3558, #3757, #3007, #2906, #2639, #2617, #2626, #2708, #2271, #2732, #1773, #2603, #2613, #2659, #4117, #2844, #4435, #1748, #268, #1896, #3550, #3572, #4745, #3372, #3371, #3398, #4052, #3269, #3700, #3526, #3992, #3336, #3466, #3679, #3815, #3940, #4032, #3770, #1106, #4678, #4211, #2792, #3097, #4714, and #4348! That's a lot of strips!

Additional pieces also taken from the following Garfield strips: 2000-03-04, 1979-12-13, 1984-11-04, 2009-08-20, 1987-06-19...

And a drawn piece directly based upon: 1988-06-19.

Original strips: 1979-12-13, 1984-11-04, 1987-06-19, 1988-06-19, 2000-03-04, 2009-08-20.