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No. 554: And You Thought Dean Was Nuts

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And You Thought Dean Was Nuts

First | Previous | 2021-11-06 | Next | Latest

Permanent URL: https://mezzacotta.net/itoons/?comic=554

Strip by: Mr. Skullhead

Reporter: Sir, some are saying that on your bid for city council, you're trying to capitalize on the fact that your opponent is deceased.
Rat: Lies. All lies. I demand that my opponent repudiate these vicious rumors.
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Goat: The polls show that you're losing in your city council race against that dead guy.
Rat: Yeah...the sympathy factor is just killing me. But don't worry...I've got a plan to counter that.
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Rat: Now that I've been caught faking my own death, I will have to change the focus of my city council campaign.
Pig: To what?
Rat: Issues, my fat friend, issues. I will pick one issue and run on that...I'll keep it real simple because people are stupid.
Pig: What'll be your issue?
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Reporter: Sir, are you advocating the invasion of Mexico by armed U.S. forces?
Rat: Yes. I am.
Reporter: But Mexico has been a friend of the U.S. for over fifty years.
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Reporter: Sir, why are you advocating the invasion of Mexico?
Rat: Because they're right next door and they're very, very weak.
Reporter: And how do you expect to sell this to the American people?
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Reporter: Sir, how are you planning to accomplish this invasion of Mexico?
Rat: I plan on arming the college students who go to Cancun for Spring Break and giving them maps to Mexico city..........
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Reporter: Sir, if you're advocating the invasion of Mexico because it's close, do you also advocate the invasion of Canada?
Rat: No, I don't.
Reporter: Why not, sir?
Rat: Because it's my understanding we've already got that.
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Rat: Hello, everyone...I've called this news conference today to make a couple of announcements...first, I'd like to declare my candidacy for President of the United States.
Reporter: Sir, don't you think it's a little late to be getting into the race?
Rat: Not at all...my team of advisers informs me that six months is more than enough time to prepare for election day.
Reporter: ...sir, the election's a week from Tuesday... but what is your second announcement?
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Reporter: Sir, in your run for the presidency, are you actually advocating the invasion of France?
Rat: That is correct.
Reporter: But on what basis, sir?
Rat: The "official" reason will be that the French possess weapons of mass destruction and are continually hostile to U.S. interests.
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Caption: Rat's Run for the Presidency
Reporter: Sir, you've made your feelings quite clear on France... but what about other issues, like gun control?
Rat: I'm against gun control...in fact, I'm against all control...mind control, self control, birth control, remote control and ground control to major Tom.
Rat: I'm going to pull your ears over your head and tie them into a knot. Then I'm going to stretch your upper lip over your chin. And then I'm going to pull your right shoe off and stuff it up your left nostril.
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Reporter: Sir, again, you've made your feelings quite clear on France, but where do you stand on other issues? For example, are you pro-choice?
Rat: Ohhhhh no no no no no nooooo...not at all....
Reporter: And why is that?
Rat: Because in high school, they made us read "Ulysses" and it was the most incomprehensible crap I've ever read in my life.
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Caption: Rat's Run for the Presidency
Reporter: Sir, if elected on your anti-France platform, what else will you try to do?
Rat: Well, you've heard of changing "French fries" to "freedom fries" but I'll expand that to other things.
Reporter: Such as what, sir?
Rat: Well, Larry Bird will now be from "Freedom" Lick, Indiana... Mr. French, the butler from "A Family Affair," will now be "Mr. Freedom," and a kiss involving tongue will now be...
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Caption: The Presidential Debates
Goat: Listen, Rat, this is a list of famous lines from past presidential debates...if you get in trouble, or say something dumb, you might want to use one.
Rat: Gotcha.
Reporter: ...Mr. Rat... why should someone vote for you over Senator Kerry?
Rat: Well... Mr. Kerry's first name is John, and a "John" is what we call a man who's been picked up in a prostitution sting...
{There's an awkward pause. Rat looks at the list of famous lines that Goat gave him}
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.

Caption: The Presidential Debates
Reporter: Sir...why should someone vote for you over Ralph Nader?
Rat: Because Nader is a nutball.
Reporter: Why do you say that?
Rat: Because if you'll recall, it was only a few decades ago that Ralph Nader forced the big three auto makers to make cars safer.
Reporter: But that saved thousands of lives.
Rat: Yeeees, but if you hate other people as much as I do, you'll see that that's not necessarily a good thing.
{Another awkward pause}
Rat: YAAAAA
Reporter: ...and we thought Dean was nuts.



{Shermy is reading to Charlie Brown out of the newspaper}
Shermy: And it says here that Davy Crockett wasn't such a good guy, after all... And then they go on to say that in reality he was a drifter and a scoundrel!
{Charlie Brown and Shermy both look in the paper. Charlie Brown immediately turns into Rat}
Rat: YAAAAA

The author writes:

I was originally going to include strips from 2016, but I decided not to because I'm lazy.

Original Pearls Before Swine strips: 2002-10-26, 2002-10-28, 2002-10-31, 2002-11-01, 2002-11-02, 2002-11-04, 2002-11-05, 2004-10-23, 2004-10-25, 2004-10-26, 2004-10-27, 2004-10-28, 2004-10-30, 2004-11-01.

Dialogue in strip 10 from Garfield: 2006-04-15.